Mojo- Oh It Left

It's hard seeing Lewis struggle for his achievements. And it's hard wondering if he'll walk or talk, let alone live independently. And it's hard worrying about what will happen to him when we're both gone. But one of the hardest parts is thinking about what Nate has lost, and how his life will be different.

Sure, I could write a wine and roses post about what he'll gain, and I do realize that this is all out of our control. I do think about the good parts of being his brother, and I hope someday he'll appreciate all of that. I know this is the only way he'll ever know, and I hope that he'll never think about all that he's lost. He doesn't yet know that he's different. He's just Noodles. He cheers right along with me when he has a good night, plays in his excersaucer or does something new. He tells new people that Lewis is just 'special' and he'll tell them thath he just eats his milk from a tube. He just is, and he knows that. I know I'm forever changed by being Lew's mom, and I'm a much better mom than I would have been without him. I'm more patient, I appreciate the little things more, I recognize how amazing life is. I know that there will be benefits to growing up with Lewis. And I know he'll be a better person in the end, but I do worry about it.

I think about how much time and energy Josh and I put into Lew's care, therapies, insurance fights and appointments. I worry that Nate is not getting enough from us, or that he always comes second.

I think about how I'll eventually have to explain to him the how's and why's of Lew's differences. I wonder if someday Nate will be bitter or angry at the responsibility he'll feel for Lew. I know there is nothing I can do about any of this, and I realize that I shouldn't go there. I don't know how NOT to think about it though. Or find peace in the knowledge that this is just the way it is. I spend most of my energy focused on being positive, but this little part does wiggle it's way into my mojo. And today is just one of those days.